To "IMAN"
I’ve had many "just friends" over the years. And somehow I have ended up having sex with them all eventually. Not that I’ve wanted to. Not that I have planned to. It just so happens!
So here I am now, doubting. Having second thoughts again. Not knowing whether or not to believe that to human beings can totally disregard the fact of the difference in gender and sexuality and just be together as friends. Just be together without being together that essential way!!!
If they can, well, that answers the question of me being another member of the human race once more!
This is how the story goes tonight:
We’ve been friends for such a long time now. More than seven years. And we haven’t been friends at all. Not that it’s my fault again. Maybe not a matter of fault at all; not this time. You, as you may well accept and admit, are with everybody and yet not with them. That’s who you take proud in being. Me, I’m the constant oversensitive, over-thinker that I’ve always been and always will be. You must already know that I lead my life by a certain set of rules that may make no sense to anyone at all but constitute my whole belief system. As strange as that may sound!
Having had a number of one night stands that I hadn’t planned to turn out to be just that, having already had sex with more men that I ever liked to, having been in many non-functional sick relationships, having hurt and having been hurt more than my fair share, I’ve made a point of having a boyfriend before having sex!
And yet here I am.
Lying in bed beside you; lying in your arms; with my skin hot beneath your fingers; with my heart beating to your lips; with my breath hanging on yours; your heart pulsing against my palm. What’s wrong with you and me? What’s wrong with me that I can’t figure out the feelings I’ve kept buried deep inside all the years that I’ve known you as a devoted boyfriend with a loving girl beside you? Why can’t I know if what I’m feeling is just the need of my starved deprived body at its prime?
But as you mentioned earlier in the evening, I’m one of those rare unfortunates who not only know what they do not want, but also have figured out what they do want. I know it all. As clueless as I am when it comes to getting what I want. And I know that even the shadow of a doubt can lead to pain and misery and the ruin of all that you and I have held dear and kept alive all these past years. As much as my heart and body beg me otherwise, my mind is warning me against all the pleasure and happiness that you are offering me for the night. I have to stop you. I have to say no to us. For now at least.
My heart goes out to you. I never knew that I was always food for thought. That I was a mystery keeping you awake at night. That I was the only question mark you couldn’t find the answer to. That in your otherwise simple life, I was complicated and complicating. I’m sorry if it was a problem for you. I’m flattered that even though I never knew it, I was occupying your thoughts so much. I’m pleased that I was on your mind a lot. I’m thrilled that I was in your heart so much!
But I don’t use people, the same way I am never used. As happy as you might be to be used to please me tonight, I have to say no. I don’t have sex unless I have a boyfriend. I won’t have a boyfriend unless I’m sure I want one...
I’ve had many "just friends" over the years. And somehow I have ended up having sex with them all eventually. Not that I’ve wanted to. Not that I have planned to. It just so happens!
So here I am now, doubting. Having second thoughts again. Not knowing whether or not to believe that to human beings can totally disregard the fact of the difference in gender and sexuality and just be together as friends. Just be together without being together that essential way!!!
If they can, well, that answers the question of me being another member of the human race once more!
This is how the story goes tonight:
We’ve been friends for such a long time now. More than seven years. And we haven’t been friends at all. Not that it’s my fault again. Maybe not a matter of fault at all; not this time. You, as you may well accept and admit, are with everybody and yet not with them. That’s who you take proud in being. Me, I’m the constant oversensitive, over-thinker that I’ve always been and always will be. You must already know that I lead my life by a certain set of rules that may make no sense to anyone at all but constitute my whole belief system. As strange as that may sound!
Having had a number of one night stands that I hadn’t planned to turn out to be just that, having already had sex with more men that I ever liked to, having been in many non-functional sick relationships, having hurt and having been hurt more than my fair share, I’ve made a point of having a boyfriend before having sex!
And yet here I am.
Lying in bed beside you; lying in your arms; with my skin hot beneath your fingers; with my heart beating to your lips; with my breath hanging on yours; your heart pulsing against my palm. What’s wrong with you and me? What’s wrong with me that I can’t figure out the feelings I’ve kept buried deep inside all the years that I’ve known you as a devoted boyfriend with a loving girl beside you? Why can’t I know if what I’m feeling is just the need of my starved deprived body at its prime?
But as you mentioned earlier in the evening, I’m one of those rare unfortunates who not only know what they do not want, but also have figured out what they do want. I know it all. As clueless as I am when it comes to getting what I want. And I know that even the shadow of a doubt can lead to pain and misery and the ruin of all that you and I have held dear and kept alive all these past years. As much as my heart and body beg me otherwise, my mind is warning me against all the pleasure and happiness that you are offering me for the night. I have to stop you. I have to say no to us. For now at least.
My heart goes out to you. I never knew that I was always food for thought. That I was a mystery keeping you awake at night. That I was the only question mark you couldn’t find the answer to. That in your otherwise simple life, I was complicated and complicating. I’m sorry if it was a problem for you. I’m flattered that even though I never knew it, I was occupying your thoughts so much. I’m pleased that I was on your mind a lot. I’m thrilled that I was in your heart so much!
But I don’t use people, the same way I am never used. As happy as you might be to be used to please me tonight, I have to say no. I don’t have sex unless I have a boyfriend. I won’t have a boyfriend unless I’m sure I want one...
No comments:
Post a Comment