Don’t you be a first, please!

I first started thinking about relationships and men when I was about fourteen. I started to think about me in relationships and with men. I guess I was a bit too young. Or maybe too old. I don’t really know. What I know as a fact is that though I was never any good at figuring out how to make a relationship work, or at least last, but I was very good at predicting with whom and how I’d be in a non-functional relationship for the shortest time. That’s got to count for something, doesn’t it?

I don’t know what to call what used to happen to me. Don’t know if it still does. Do you call it premonition, déjà vu, intuition, when you can know if someone you’ve not yet met will love you or at least lust after you? Does it even come in handy to know in advance?
It used to. Used to be fun.
Not anymore I guess.

And it’s happening yet again. I think it is. This guy I’ve recently met, I’ve known about him for a while now. I’ve known him through someone else for some time. And I’ve always felt that there must be something there. Something cool. Fun. Yet deep.
I’ve always known that we will be good friends.
Or is it just wishful thinking?
Nothing’s happening. We’ve met a lot. And I’ve taken all the first steps. Suggesting to help with something I’m trained very well for. Calling. Text messaging. Leaving off-lines. Nothing’s happening, yet.

Today, as I was watching him, I realized that not only he’s not into me, but also he’s not my type at all. And I still want to be good friends with him. Still wanna share something...

I needed some help the other night. I knew you could help me out. Top that up with me being as much into you as I am, I gave you a call. I think you were with one of your many girls. The ones you even pick up on the streets on your free time; or so I'm told. when I asked if it was a bad time you said you’d call me back that night. You didn’t. Not even the day after. And I was waiting.

I waited two days for a call that never came!

I guess you could say I was pretty pissed. And this morning, I did not watch you come through the door. I looked your way too late. Too mad. And there you were, looking my way, with a big smile on your face. A smile for me...

I then realized that that’s what you do. Every time. Ever since I first stopped you and talked to you. Are you misleading me, or am I misreading the signs?
I’ve seen you on five consecutive occasions wearing the same tie. Not into me. And I’ve seen you looking at me like you needed me to smile, to approve. Into me, a bit?

Frankly, I’d hate for you to be the first to prove that my instincts aren’t always right. I’d hate for you to be not into me. I’m a very good friend. I’d be even better with you. The fact that I only have a very limited time left makes it even more fun. And more in need of your most urgent attention.
It’s not like I’m dying or anything, as you very well know. But I’ll be leaving the country in about seven months at the very latest. I want to take away good memories with me. And the best I can come up with right now would be you. It’s besides the point that you are supposedly headed the same way yourself. Think of it this way:
If we work as friends, I could be your extra incentive for moving forward with your immigration plans. And I could be of great help in the studies you need to undertake in order to go. I’m a very valuable asset, and a very fun one.

Don’t lose me!!!

Don’t you be a first…