I don’t feel like showing up for the exam, again. For the last one, you were pissed afterwards because I had not suggested that you should pick me up. For this one, you say you’re going to be a bit late. Tell me that you’ll see me there. Not a hint about picking me up. It will be awkward today I know. But being strong as I am, I have to put on a happy face, and be there.
So I wake up early. I take my longest cold shower ever. I just stand there, with my face turned towards the splash of freezing cold water, wishing for the redness and puffiness of my eyes to go away. I don’t want to give you the satisfaction of knowing that I’ve been crying for you and because of you.
It somewhat works.
I’m in college now. With the gang of girls always hanging around. I don’t know why it happens. I’m not overly friendly with them. I talk and laugh with them in two cases only: either if I’m in a really happy mood, or if I have a show to put on! Today, the second case applies. I’m with them, or rather I seem to be. I’m looking for you. Everywhere. You’re not there. Nowhere to be seen. Are you doing this on purpose? Are you avoiding me? I finally message you, to tell you that I’m getting worried.
In five seconds, as I’m making plans with a friend to pay a visit to a beauty saloon after the exam, I see you walk out of the building. You have been there all along. Avoiding?!? Punishing? I see you’re watching me. I smile. It takes me a couple of minutes to walk to you.
You look so ugly! All tired, not shaved again, sort of a mess. Is it the exams, or is it me that’s putting you under so much pressure?
My favorite girl, Anna is there with you. We should make it seem natural. We laugh and talk of silly things like you looking like a drug-dealer! And she tells me that you fell when you first walked up the stairs to go inside. As I laugh, some guy walking by kicks you in the ankle accidentally. I laugh harder at you:
- Why do these things happen to me today?!?
- Maybe because of the hearts you break! There’s always going to be a pay-back time!
I see it your eyes that you know what I’m talking about. I love it when your eyes talk to me. They don’t just read me. They give you away too. Maybe giving away is not the right word. Maybe you want them to talk back. Maybe you find it easier to communicate that way. Maybe you love to talk to me through your eyes too.
We go in for the exam. On the stairs, the air just rushes out of my chest. Like I’m chocking on nothing. The reality is, I’m choking on you ignoring me like I’m just a classmate, not even a friend. I stand there, trying to get some air into me, to breathe, and to stop the tears from falling down. Good thing is, or maybe painful thing, that you walk on. You don’t wait to ask me what happened. I catch up a few minutes later.
You sit at your desk, on the far right side of the room. I take mine, somewhere in the middle. We can still watch each other though. And we do, throughout the exam. Each time I see you watching me I just smile. I ask you to concentrate, and to write. As for me, I’m more focused on fighting my tears than on the exam. I do cry more than a number of times. And I think you see it once or twice.
When you walk out there’s still about an hour left. I’m answering the last question, need about fifteen more minutes. But I see you go out, see you hesitate at the door, see you turn to look at me, see you see me. But I don’t see you giving any sign, any clue, any hint whether or not you’re going to wait for me. I have to get out. In five minutes, I fill out some three pages! I’m not even sure if what I’m writing is what the question asked. I don’t have two seconds to spare to go back and re-read the question. I’m out two seconds sooner, two more seconds to be with you.
I’m out there now. Looking for you. You’ve disappeared again! I call. You don’t pick up. I call again. Your phone is off! I sit down on the ground. I have my face in my hands. I’m crying my life out! People walk up to me to ask if I’m fine. What is this, a joke? I’ve never heard a more stupid question! Of course I’m not fine! Can’t they see that?
I cry for the whole hour, until the others come out and join me. Only then I wipe the tears away –that’s supposed to be your job! - and smile.
I’m going to get a new haircut today. My friend, Nina, is taking me. So we say goodbye and off we go. In search of new beauty! Have you ever heard them say that whenever a woman’s heart is broken, she has to get a new hairdo? I’m at the saloon, looking at the styles, discussing them, trying to choose one when my phone rings. It’s you. I pretend to be fine. I let you talk:
-Before you say anything, pass any judgment, let me explain. Molly was there, sent me a message. I had to be with her. Then you call. My pocket is vibrating!
I have to laugh. It might be a hopeless situation. A lot of righteous people out there must believe me to be evil in disguise. But it sure as hell is funny too. Your pocket vibrating! You’re so scared of the little brat, your whole body shakes at the thought of her anger! What has she done to you?
You call me again in about three hours. I hear it in your voice how excited you are about my haircut. How you can’t wait to see me. You keep asking what exactly I did. How short my hair is now. How I look. I keep telling you that you should see and judge for yourself. This is why I love to stay with you. Because you care so much. Because you get all happy and excited and enthusiastic for anything related to me, even as stupid as a haircut. I know this something that you share with me, and only me. I know you don’t have it with her.
Two more hours. You’re text-messaging me now. Asking me questions about exams. Silly excuses for you to pretend that you don’t miss me that bad! I can read you like an open book, my man! So I remind you that you promised to be nice and kind. I’m hoping that it will touch your non-existent heart!
It does!
You call in about five minutes:
- I hate to say this. But I have to. How many times have I called you since we left college today?
- Three times I guess!
- Yes, this is the third time. And why do you think I call?
- Because you feel bad over what you did?!?
- NO!!! Sometimes you can be really silly too, for such a bright girl! Not because I feel bad. It’s because I’m trying to be nice to you!
One more thing that I love about you: that silent laughter in the depths of your voice. Specially when I say something stupid. It’s like you know that I play dumb to make you laugh. And it works. Nine times out of…nine!!!
Tonight, I believe I can sleep…
So I wake up early. I take my longest cold shower ever. I just stand there, with my face turned towards the splash of freezing cold water, wishing for the redness and puffiness of my eyes to go away. I don’t want to give you the satisfaction of knowing that I’ve been crying for you and because of you.
It somewhat works.
I’m in college now. With the gang of girls always hanging around. I don’t know why it happens. I’m not overly friendly with them. I talk and laugh with them in two cases only: either if I’m in a really happy mood, or if I have a show to put on! Today, the second case applies. I’m with them, or rather I seem to be. I’m looking for you. Everywhere. You’re not there. Nowhere to be seen. Are you doing this on purpose? Are you avoiding me? I finally message you, to tell you that I’m getting worried.
In five seconds, as I’m making plans with a friend to pay a visit to a beauty saloon after the exam, I see you walk out of the building. You have been there all along. Avoiding?!? Punishing? I see you’re watching me. I smile. It takes me a couple of minutes to walk to you.
You look so ugly! All tired, not shaved again, sort of a mess. Is it the exams, or is it me that’s putting you under so much pressure?
My favorite girl, Anna is there with you. We should make it seem natural. We laugh and talk of silly things like you looking like a drug-dealer! And she tells me that you fell when you first walked up the stairs to go inside. As I laugh, some guy walking by kicks you in the ankle accidentally. I laugh harder at you:
- Why do these things happen to me today?!?
- Maybe because of the hearts you break! There’s always going to be a pay-back time!
I see it your eyes that you know what I’m talking about. I love it when your eyes talk to me. They don’t just read me. They give you away too. Maybe giving away is not the right word. Maybe you want them to talk back. Maybe you find it easier to communicate that way. Maybe you love to talk to me through your eyes too.
We go in for the exam. On the stairs, the air just rushes out of my chest. Like I’m chocking on nothing. The reality is, I’m choking on you ignoring me like I’m just a classmate, not even a friend. I stand there, trying to get some air into me, to breathe, and to stop the tears from falling down. Good thing is, or maybe painful thing, that you walk on. You don’t wait to ask me what happened. I catch up a few minutes later.
You sit at your desk, on the far right side of the room. I take mine, somewhere in the middle. We can still watch each other though. And we do, throughout the exam. Each time I see you watching me I just smile. I ask you to concentrate, and to write. As for me, I’m more focused on fighting my tears than on the exam. I do cry more than a number of times. And I think you see it once or twice.
When you walk out there’s still about an hour left. I’m answering the last question, need about fifteen more minutes. But I see you go out, see you hesitate at the door, see you turn to look at me, see you see me. But I don’t see you giving any sign, any clue, any hint whether or not you’re going to wait for me. I have to get out. In five minutes, I fill out some three pages! I’m not even sure if what I’m writing is what the question asked. I don’t have two seconds to spare to go back and re-read the question. I’m out two seconds sooner, two more seconds to be with you.
I’m out there now. Looking for you. You’ve disappeared again! I call. You don’t pick up. I call again. Your phone is off! I sit down on the ground. I have my face in my hands. I’m crying my life out! People walk up to me to ask if I’m fine. What is this, a joke? I’ve never heard a more stupid question! Of course I’m not fine! Can’t they see that?
I cry for the whole hour, until the others come out and join me. Only then I wipe the tears away –that’s supposed to be your job! - and smile.
I’m going to get a new haircut today. My friend, Nina, is taking me. So we say goodbye and off we go. In search of new beauty! Have you ever heard them say that whenever a woman’s heart is broken, she has to get a new hairdo? I’m at the saloon, looking at the styles, discussing them, trying to choose one when my phone rings. It’s you. I pretend to be fine. I let you talk:
-Before you say anything, pass any judgment, let me explain. Molly was there, sent me a message. I had to be with her. Then you call. My pocket is vibrating!
I have to laugh. It might be a hopeless situation. A lot of righteous people out there must believe me to be evil in disguise. But it sure as hell is funny too. Your pocket vibrating! You’re so scared of the little brat, your whole body shakes at the thought of her anger! What has she done to you?
You call me again in about three hours. I hear it in your voice how excited you are about my haircut. How you can’t wait to see me. You keep asking what exactly I did. How short my hair is now. How I look. I keep telling you that you should see and judge for yourself. This is why I love to stay with you. Because you care so much. Because you get all happy and excited and enthusiastic for anything related to me, even as stupid as a haircut. I know this something that you share with me, and only me. I know you don’t have it with her.
Two more hours. You’re text-messaging me now. Asking me questions about exams. Silly excuses for you to pretend that you don’t miss me that bad! I can read you like an open book, my man! So I remind you that you promised to be nice and kind. I’m hoping that it will touch your non-existent heart!
It does!
You call in about five minutes:
- I hate to say this. But I have to. How many times have I called you since we left college today?
- Three times I guess!
- Yes, this is the third time. And why do you think I call?
- Because you feel bad over what you did?!?
- NO!!! Sometimes you can be really silly too, for such a bright girl! Not because I feel bad. It’s because I’m trying to be nice to you!
One more thing that I love about you: that silent laughter in the depths of your voice. Specially when I say something stupid. It’s like you know that I play dumb to make you laugh. And it works. Nine times out of…nine!!!
Tonight, I believe I can sleep…
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